Last summer a friend accused me of being manipulative after watching my exchange with someone. I replied that we all learn how to behave in order to get what we want. I was recently listening to a Ted talk that said “Everyone is ready to give you something in exchange for something they’re hungry for”

It’s true that I use this technique to keep me out of trouble. There are often times I find myself somewhere that average tourists would not find themselves. I usually know it, and I am prepared when confronted. I will always initiate the contact.

It often begins with an apology, “I’m sorry. I am lost”, followed by “can you help me find…?” In some cases, I simply ask for help initially. Starting with a question immediately narrows the response that the person has with me. They may have been considering options, like wondering why I was there or whether they should take advantage of me. By asking for help, I re-direct their attention to something that they know and creates a path to minimal thinking on their part.

Everyone wants to feel valued and my request for help not only directs the conversation away from my trespass but towards their being able to demonstrate their authority in a positive way. This has worked for me 99% of the time, and even when it doesn’t, I go back to the apology. Never have I run into a conflict that couldn’t be resolved by asking a question that another person is anxious to show they can answer.

I have gotten stopped walking across private property; I have stumbled into unsafe areas. No matter what the confrontation, I treat the other person with respect and deference. I’ve made it a whole lifetime without being threatened or robbed, and it is because of the manipulation I was accused of. It’s not lying to get what I want; it’s simply managing the narrative so that it ends favorably.